Dirty Joke

User avatar
CorrPerformance
Posts: 302
Joined: Wed Sep 26, 2007 11:27 am
Location: Kenner, LA USA
Contact:

Re: Dirty Joke

Postby CorrPerformance » Thu Aug 16, 2012 12:05 am

Stan Waller was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.

He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!"

"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as
well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the
clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be
spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."

The man broke down and sobbed.

The doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just messing with you. She's dead.

What'd you shoot?"
Corr Performance Tuning
EFI-101 Graduate 7-16-05
HALTECH & AEM EMS Factory Trained / Cobb / Unichip
Image Image Image

User avatar
Nissanman
Posts: 112
Joined: Sat Mar 15, 2008 1:40 pm
Location: Adelaide, South Australia
Contact:

Re: Dirty Joke

Postby Nissanman » Mon Nov 26, 2012 2:41 pm

image016.jpg
Nissanman, just trying to help.....

User avatar
CorrPerformance
Posts: 302
Joined: Wed Sep 26, 2007 11:27 am
Location: Kenner, LA USA
Contact:

Re: Dirty Joke

Postby CorrPerformance » Tue Nov 27, 2012 2:31 am

Awesome quote by W. Allen!
Corr Performance Tuning
EFI-101 Graduate 7-16-05
HALTECH & AEM EMS Factory Trained / Cobb / Unichip
Image Image Image

User avatar
Nissanman
Posts: 112
Joined: Sat Mar 15, 2008 1:40 pm
Location: Adelaide, South Australia
Contact:

Re: Dirty Joke

Postby Nissanman » Wed Dec 19, 2012 4:03 am

Stewart and his wife Barbara go to the county fair every year,

And every year Stewart would say, "Barbara, I'd like to ride in that helicopter"

Barbara always replied,

"I know Stewart, but that helicopter ride is seventy quid, and seventy quid is seventy quid!"

One year later Stewart and Barbara went to the fair, and Stewart said, "Barbara, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance"

To this, Barbara replied,

"Stewart, that helicopter ride is seventy quid, and seventy quid is seventy quid"

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride.
If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's seventy quid. "

Stewart and Barbara agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Stewart and said, "By golly, I did everything
I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

I'm impressed!"

Stewart replied, "Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Barbara fell out,

But you know, seventy quid is seventy quid!"
Nissanman, just trying to help.....

User avatar
Nissanman
Posts: 112
Joined: Sat Mar 15, 2008 1:40 pm
Location: Adelaide, South Australia
Contact:

Re: Dirty Joke

Postby Nissanman » Wed Dec 19, 2012 4:04 am

A mother in law said to her son's wife when the baby was born

"I don't mean to be rude, but he doesn't look anything like my son."
The daughter in law lifted her skirt and said,
"I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a fanny, not a f*cking photo copier
Nissanman, just trying to help.....

User avatar
CorrPerformance
Posts: 302
Joined: Wed Sep 26, 2007 11:27 am
Location: Kenner, LA USA
Contact:

Re: Dirty Joke

Postby CorrPerformance » Thu Dec 20, 2012 4:23 am

Just a reminder for friends and family:
At this time of the year, when the roadblocks come up with great
regularity, I would like to share a personal experience with my
closest friends about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes
with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session
over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had
a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something
I've never done before; I took a cab home. Sure enough, I passed a
police road block but, since it was a cab, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise as I
have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what
to do with it now that it's in my garage.
Corr Performance Tuning
EFI-101 Graduate 7-16-05
HALTECH & AEM EMS Factory Trained / Cobb / Unichip
Image Image Image

User avatar
CorrPerformance
Posts: 302
Joined: Wed Sep 26, 2007 11:27 am
Location: Kenner, LA USA
Contact:

Re: Dirty Joke

Postby CorrPerformance » Sun Jan 20, 2013 12:41 pm

Lady: Do you drink?

Man: Yes

Lady: How much a day?

Man: 3 six packs

Lady: How much per six pack

Man: about $10.00

Lady: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: 15 years

Lady: So 1 six pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 six packs a day which
puts your
spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the
past
15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been
put
in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for
compound

interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady: No

Man: Where's your fucking Ferrari?
Corr Performance Tuning
EFI-101 Graduate 7-16-05
HALTECH & AEM EMS Factory Trained / Cobb / Unichip
Image Image Image

User avatar
CorrPerformance
Posts: 302
Joined: Wed Sep 26, 2007 11:27 am
Location: Kenner, LA USA
Contact:

Re: Dirty Joke

Postby CorrPerformance » Tue Feb 12, 2013 2:50 pm

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?" One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!" So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?" And that's the last thing I remember........
Corr Performance Tuning
EFI-101 Graduate 7-16-05
HALTECH & AEM EMS Factory Trained / Cobb / Unichip
Image Image Image

User avatar
Nissanman
Posts: 112
Joined: Sat Mar 15, 2008 1:40 pm
Location: Adelaide, South Australia
Contact:

Re: Dirty Joke

Postby Nissanman » Tue Feb 12, 2013 11:05 pm

grandma telling all.jpeg
Nissanman, just trying to help.....

User avatar
CorrPerformance
Posts: 302
Joined: Wed Sep 26, 2007 11:27 am
Location: Kenner, LA USA
Contact:

Re: Dirty Joke

Postby CorrPerformance » Tue Feb 12, 2013 11:16 pm

:lol:
Corr Performance Tuning
EFI-101 Graduate 7-16-05
HALTECH & AEM EMS Factory Trained / Cobb / Unichip
Image Image Image

User avatar
Nissanman
Posts: 112
Joined: Sat Mar 15, 2008 1:40 pm
Location: Adelaide, South Australia
Contact:

Re: Dirty Joke

Postby Nissanman » Wed Mar 27, 2013 9:04 pm

An Englishman is having breakfast, in Paris, one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: 'You English folk eat the whole bread??'

Englishman (in a bad mood): 'Of course.'

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) 'We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England.' The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The Englishman listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: 'Do you eat jam with the bread??'

Englishman: 'Of Course.'

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

'We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to England.'

After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: 'Do you have sex inFrance?'

Frenchman: 'Why of course we do', he says with a big smirk.

Englishman: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'

Frenchman: 'We throw them away, of course.'

Englishman: 'We don't. In England, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France.'
Nissanman, just trying to help.....

User avatar
Nissanman
Posts: 112
Joined: Sat Mar 15, 2008 1:40 pm
Location: Adelaide, South Australia
Contact:

Re: Dirty Joke

Postby Nissanman » Sat Mar 30, 2013 2:35 pm

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, my wife and I, listened to
the instructor declare; 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the
things that are important to each other.."
He then addressed the men,
'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'
I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently, and whispered,
'White Wings Self-Raising Flour, isn't it?'
And thus began my life of celibacy.... :roll:
Nissanman, just trying to help.....

User avatar
CorrPerformance
Posts: 302
Joined: Wed Sep 26, 2007 11:27 am
Location: Kenner, LA USA
Contact:

Re: Dirty Joke

Postby CorrPerformance » Sat Mar 30, 2013 10:55 pm

good one man
Corr Performance Tuning
EFI-101 Graduate 7-16-05
HALTECH & AEM EMS Factory Trained / Cobb / Unichip
Image Image Image

User avatar
CorrPerformance
Posts: 302
Joined: Wed Sep 26, 2007 11:27 am
Location: Kenner, LA USA
Contact:

Re: Dirty Joke

Postby CorrPerformance » Thu Apr 25, 2013 2:00 am

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
> Ms Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
> While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st > grade and behave. She agreed.
> Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
> Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
> Harry: '9.'
> Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
> Harry: '36.'
> And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
> The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'
> Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'
> The principal and Harry both agreed.
> Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
> Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
> Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
> The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
> Harry replied: 'Pockets'
> Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
> Harry: ! 'Pants.'
> Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
> Harry: 'Coconut.'
> The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
> Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
> The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
> Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
> Harry: 'Shake hands.'
> The principal was trembling.
> Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
> Harry: 'Firetruck.'
> The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......'
Corr Performance Tuning
EFI-101 Graduate 7-16-05
HALTECH & AEM EMS Factory Trained / Cobb / Unichip
Image Image Image

User avatar
Nissanman
Posts: 112
Joined: Sat Mar 15, 2008 1:40 pm
Location: Adelaide, South Australia
Contact:

Re: Dirty Joke - Dear Dr Phil

Postby Nissanman » Wed May 22, 2013 3:10 pm

Dear Dr. Phil,


When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime – fishing.

I bought my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing.

Finally, one day down at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the shop owner, who it turned out, loves fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies.

As I said, the wife doesn't care about fishing. She not only refuses to join us, but she always complains that I spend too much time out on the lake.

A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful fish you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught its twin brother!

So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice fish that we caught and showed the picture to my wife, hoping that maybe she'd get interested.

Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself.

What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby, or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?
Thanks,
Pete
P.S. Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two fish we caught.

fish.jpg
fish.jpg (25.04 KiB) Viewed 4222 times






Dear Pete,
Get rid of that narrow-minded wife.
Those are two nice fish!
Nissanman, just trying to help.....


Return to “Off-Topic”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest