Dirty Joke

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HaltechScott
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Re: Dirty Joke

Postby HaltechScott » Tue Aug 20, 2013 9:11 am

1.. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my
list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad.

8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to
tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many
is research.

10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my
desk is a work station .

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks .

12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of
emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR."

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are
sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute
to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to
live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so
they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever
you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.

26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.

Finally:

27. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and
harder for me to find one now.
Kind Regards
Scott
[email protected] - [email protected]
Ph: +612 9729 0999
Please e-mail support directly for earliest reply.

Austin66
Posts: 9
Joined: Mon Aug 19, 2013 3:32 pm

Re: Dirty Joke

Postby Austin66 » Tue Aug 20, 2013 2:35 pm

Haha good sharing guys.. now wht about this?
A taxi passenger touched d driver on shouldr 2 ask smthng

Driver screamed, lost control of the car, went up on the footpath & Stopped few centimeters frm a shop

The driver said:
“Don’t ever do that again, u scared me”

Pasengr apologized n said:
“I didn’t realize a litle touch wud scare u so much”

Driver replied:

“Sory, it’s nt ur fault
its my 1st day as a Cab driver, I’ve been driving a van carying dead bodies for last 25 yrs;-)
God gave us our relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.

alvittos
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Joined: Wed Aug 06, 2014 4:42 pm

Re: Dirty Joke

Postby alvittos » Wed Aug 06, 2014 5:32 pm

The Pope and Julia Gillard are on the same stage at the MCG in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Ms Gillard and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Gillard replied,"I seriously doubt that.With one little wave of your hand?
Show me!"
So the Pope backhanded the bitch.

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Nissanman
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Re: Dirty Joke

Postby Nissanman » Wed Aug 06, 2014 6:47 pm

A young girl tucking into her evening meal has just made the connection between eating meat and dead animals.
Noticing her dilemma, her mother says, "Well, you could always be a vegetarian".
"What's a vegetarian Mum?", asks the little girl.
Her mum replies, "A person who only eats vegetables".
The little girl goes thoughtful for a few seconds then replies, "I think I would rather be a deserter!".
Nissanman, just trying to help.....

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Nissanman
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More BLONDE jokes!

Postby Nissanman » Thu Dec 11, 2014 7:38 pm

A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."

A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."
The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."

A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"

A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk.
Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"

A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic.
His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy!" he replies.

A blonde man is in jail.
The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."

(This one actually makes sense.)
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex.
"The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday!".

:lol: :lol: :lol:
Nissanman, just trying to help.....

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Nissanman
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Re: Dirty Joke

Postby Nissanman » Fri Oct 23, 2015 11:26 am

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.



One is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.



The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it..
This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history.
Here's your equipment --chair, whip and a gun.
Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the
Chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body..



The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to
Her and starts licking her feet and ankles.
He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.



The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"



The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."
Nissanman, just trying to help.....

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Nissanman
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Re: Dirty Joke

Postby Nissanman » Fri Oct 23, 2015 11:33 am

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots.
This is the first warning I have seen for men.
I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart.
This one caught me totally by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works;
Two nice looking, college-age girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle.
They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look)
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.
You agree and they climb into the vehicle.
On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen July 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th.
Also August 1st, 4th, 8th, twice on the 11th &12th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores.
Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Costco to Home Depot, to Wal-Mart.
So please, send this on to all the retired men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)
Nissanman, just trying to help.....

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Nissanman
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Re: Dirty Joke

Postby Nissanman » Mon Nov 16, 2015 10:53 am

I love my Japanese Doctor!

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of fruit goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Grain good too. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in good shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND......

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies.


5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of fatty sausages and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies.


CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.





Sayonara






A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage,

"Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?”

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
"So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.
So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7 million when you and I are doing basically the same work?”

The cardiologist paused, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic,

“Try doing it with the engine running."
Nissanman, just trying to help.....

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Nissanman
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Re: Dirty Joke

Postby Nissanman » Wed Nov 25, 2015 4:23 pm

SMART ASS
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a
well. The animal cried piteously for hours as
the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the
well needed to be covered up anyway;
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over
and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began
to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey realized what was happening and cried
horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he
quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally
looked down the well. He was astonished at what
he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
he would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel
dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and
happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds
of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well
is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
Free your heart from hatred - - Forgive.
Free your mind from worries - - Most never happen.
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
Give more.
Expect less.
NOW...........
Enough of that crap . ..The donkey later came back,
and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and
the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock..
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong,
and try to cover your ass,
it always comes back to bite you.
You have two choices...smile and close this
page, or pass this along to someone else to
spread the fun.
Nissanman, just trying to help.....

petersh
Posts: 1
Joined: Mon Jun 11, 2018 6:40 pm

Re: Dirty Joke

Postby petersh » Mon Jul 23, 2018 5:51 pm

A lot of truly dirty joke here!
Have anyone heard of a dirty joke call "people use their hand, I use my head"?
I heard it one time but I can't remember the details

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Nissanman
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Re: Dirty Joke

Postby Nissanman » Sat May 25, 2019 3:28 pm

First startup of a rebuilt engine: -
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X91nR-b3zCg


I have missed so many opportunities to do this :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:
Nissanman, just trying to help.....


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