Dirty Joke

[HaltechScott]

Want to hear a dirty joke ?
a boy fell in the mud.

Want to hear a clean joke ?
the boy had a shower.

[crispeed]

What you been drinking!

[Ignition]

ah hah! A spam trap!

[CorrPerformance]

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint

When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few hits. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,


'Hey you!'



So the koala looked down at him and said,

'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude...
How much water did you drink?

[Ignition]

The ATO decides to audit Grandad, and summons him to their office.

The auditor isn't surprised when Grandad shows up with his lawyer.

The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandad. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandad says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandad isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandad removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandad's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandad asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandad stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandad's own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the lawyer. 'This morning, when Grandad told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

[CorrPerformance]

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said, “TWO PROSTITUTES……$50.00.” A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they’d either have to remove the sign or go to jail.



Just at that time another car passed with a sign saying “JESUS SAVES.” They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said, “Well, that’s a little different, it pertains to religion.” So the two ladies took their sign down and took off.



The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read…………..



“TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER……..$50.00.”

[HaltechScott]

Ø I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Ø Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Ø I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Ø Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Ø If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
Ø We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Ø War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Ø The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Ø Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
Ø How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Ø Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Ø I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
Ø A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
Ø I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Ø I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Ø Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
Ø Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Ø A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Ø Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
Ø Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Ø I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
Ø There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

[Ignition]

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity either..

He asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"

So, a kiss he gets, long, slow, passionate..

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had.
That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"


"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

[aditech]

boy: you know your like ketchup
girl: ketchup
boy: because my hotdog is looking for you.

[CorrPerformance]

First-year students at the Vet School were attending their first anatomy
class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table
with the body covered with a white sheet.

The Professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine
it is necessary to have two important qualities as a Doctor. The first is
that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animals body." For
an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the
butt of the cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go
ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The
second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.
Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."

[henkgo]

PRICELESS!
ROFL!

[CorrPerformance]

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology
and explaining the phenomenon of “mixed emotions”.

The husband turned to his wife and said, “Honey, that’s a bunch of
crap. I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy and
sad at the same time.”

She said: “OK…Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick… “

[Ignition]

baahahaha! I like!

[CorrPerformance]

Price of gas in France
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.'


I had no Monet

To buy Degas

To make the Van Gogh.'

See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.

I posted it here because I figured I had nothing Toulouse ..

[CorrPerformance]

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I